The Roast of Tom Brady Running Diary

PLUS I met Randy Moss in Bangor, Maine

As a part of the Netflix is a Joke Comedy Festival in Los Angeles this week (sponsored by Netflix, not a sponsor) Sunday night’s featured attraction was the Roast of Tom Brady: The Greatest Roast of All-Time. Hosted by Kevin Hart and comedically arranged by the Roast Master General Jeff Ross, every big name in comedy and the New England Patriots are on hand. This is a running diary of the night’s events, live from the Kia Forum in LA, the Greatest Roast of All-Time.

-The opening build up montage was better than anything The Dynasty doc produced.

- Master of ceremonies Kevin Hart rips the Band-Aid off and goes right after Brady’s divorce and it is immediately evident that this is a no-holds barred production when Hart says that Gisele is actually here, as Antonio Brown’s plus-one. Then parlays that into a joke about Gisele and her karate instructor. Hart is ruthless and hilarious, Brady has to be reconsidering many life choices right now and the first is signing up this. And here comes Jeff Ross.

- The Roast Master General comes out dressed as Roast J Simpson and immediately makes an Aaron Hernandez joke. “Tom looks like a vampire who only drinks almond blood.” “I wanted Kevin Hart to host because he already looks like a deflated football.” Brady wasn’t the only one who took the ire of Ross, “Dana White, you’re like Michael Vick but with human beings.” Ross absolutely killed, but I’m curious about he decision for him to go on this early in the show. Ross is a master and sets a high bar, usually he is the hammer at the end of the night, the non-comedians on the dais have to be a bit more nervous.

- Drawing the short straw of following Jeff Ross is the great Drew Bledsoe. “The last time I was on the big stage in front of Tom Brady, I wound up in hospital for 5 days and lost my job.” “Rumor is Bill Belichick was going to be here, apparently he has some time on his hands. Though at least when I was fired, somebody wanted me.” “Gronk is here. He’s Tom’s favorite tight end who wasn’t a murderer. Also, Gronk is from Buffalo, he was born on a folding table at a Bills tailgate. He was conceived on one too.” Bledsoe was exactly what you’d want from him, he pulled no punches but didn’t come across as bitter. Very funny and I hope in some ways therapeutic for Drew.

- Nikki Glaser came out and torched the entire dais and none of it can be repeated here because this is a family Notebook, but it was very funny because it’s a roast. In normal society, she’d be cancelled, blackballed and probably arrested for hazing. But during the span of time this show runs, all is fair game. It’s like how when a boxer steps into the ring, it isn’t assault.

- Next up is Randy Moss and speaking of Randy Moss, on Saturday, I was in Portland Pie (not a sponsor) in downtown Bangor, Maine. Having just got done lining students for the Husson University Commencement, Miss Elizabeth and I were one of four tables occupied around 11:30am. Having just ordered a couple of breakfast pizzas (apparently we were having brunch) I stared out the window, decompressing from the mania that is lining up hundreds of graduates. An activity in which can only be compared to eating coffee with two forks during a tornado.

It was a sleepy afternoon in downtown, the sort that Johnny Cash sang about when he was a boy named Sue and came across his Pa dealing stud. The speed of the world and my mind changed in the next instant when Randy Moss, he of 23 touchdowns in 2007, 3 catches-163 yards-3 touchdowns on Thanksgiving in Dallas, arguably the greatest receiver in NFL history, darkened the doorway of the same pizzeria that I was inhabiting.

I got quiet. Real quiet. My mind was Zach Galifianakis doing calculations at the black jack table in The Hangover. How could this be true? How could one of the greatest players in the history of the New England Patriots, the NFL, the USA, North America and certainly the world, walk into the same restaurant that I was dining in, at the exact same time I was. What are the odds? When this sort of thing happens at an airport or in a major US city like Boston or New York, it sort of makes sense, there is context, but in Bangor, at noontime? This is the Bizarro World: up is down, left is right, Kramer is Feldman.

Now there some easy rationale to this, Randy Moss’s son Montigo plays football at the University of Maine and it is commencement weekend for UMaine. Could he be graduating already? It would make sense, I mean he’s here with his family, he must be graduating.

How do I handle this? What do I do? Sort of like catching a big fish, nobody is going to believe me if I don’t have a picture to prove this moment actually happen, but I’m not the sort to interrupt a family meal. As luck would have it, we left at almost the same time and after Randy graciously took pictures with the restaurant staff, I was fortunate enough to take a picture with one the greatest players I’ve ever seen. A moment that will live in Sterling Notebook infamy.

(Note: I cannot confirm or deny that he paid for lunch using straight cash homie, but I like to believe that he did.)

So it is surreal watching him barely 24 hours later in front of this who’s who of Hollywood and New England Patriots. I was howling when he capped off his set about how he was the only person from the dynasty not to win a ring with “Mr. Kraft, VLADIMIR PUTIN GOT A RING AND I DIDN’T??”

-And now a toast from Kim Kardashian. Huh? Kim K. was almost booed off the stage before she uttered a syllable. She did okay and did mention the rumor that she and Tom dated and even had a decent joke about Tom turning into her stepfather in retirement. But this felt forced, like Netflix could get the added star power on the show so they shoehorned it in.

-Jeff Ross does some crowd work, meaning he walked the audience and roasted whoever he went past. But as they sweep the crowd you can see Charles Woodson, Bill O’Brien and Berj Najarian. Ross introduced comedians Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer who used a slide show to roast Brady. The first image is of Brady with Donald Trump and the second of a shirtless Brady cradling a football had Bert whistle laughing and snorting like Steve Urkel and was so funny it brought a tears to my eyes. Sort of like how if one person throws up, it makes you want to throw up, when Bert goes all high voice and whistle-giggles, I do too. It’s a good thing I passed up the chance to see him last week to watch the NFL Draft.

-The next comic up is Sam Jay, who honestly I’ve never heard of but was pretty vicious and went in hard after Drew Bledsoe. Drew’s facial expressions are priceless, nobody has given a camera better reaction shots since Jim Halpert.

-Next up is San Diego legend Ron Burgandy! Who drew a “This just got turned up a notch!” from Miss Elizabeth. “Randy he was never going to get you the ring. You were just a sexy decoy, like Gisele.” I’m crying laughing and just like that I’m transported to my freshmen dorm room in Hart Hall watching Anchorman on dvd, except he’s roasting my favorite team. Ron is the first person to mention not only Bridget Moynahan but Eli Manning too. Ron brought the house down when he closed his incredible set by introducing “the one person who really hates you Tom Brady, Bill Belichick.” OH.MY.GOD!

-The rumors are true, Bill Belichick is here and it feels like the glass just broke and Stone Cold Steve Austin just hit the ring in 1998 to clear house with a steel chair. I’m giddy. I had to pause the show and mentally prepare for what is about to happen, my soul is hovering above my body as I watch this. Randy Moss was in Bangor, Ron Burgandy is introducing Bill Belichick and encouraging him to roast Tom Brady on live television. WHAT IS GOING ON!?!?

                The Star Wars Death March plays and Bill gets a standing ovation before he says one word. “Ron Burgandy, the only member of the media that I respect.” “This is the roast of Tom Brady on Netflix, not to be confused with the 10-part roast of Bill Belichick.” Bill seemed ions more comfortable in this setting than at any press conference in his life. Maybe this was always Bill Belichick’s true calling. (You know, aside from being the greatest coach in the history of the sport.)

In a serious moment, the coach can’t help himself when he sees his guys and when he scanned the dais still took time to stump one to get into the hall of fame:  “Rodney Harrison is a great player and isn’t in the football hall of fame and that might be the biggest joke of the night.”

                I don’t want to give too much away, because without hyperbole, this was the greatest moment in television history. MASH finale, Who shot JR? Final episode of Seinfeld, Hulk vs Andre on The Main Event, all pale in comparison to Bill Belichick on this roast. Bill Belichick was tremendous and after his set he stayed on stage and took a seat on the dais between Randy Moss and Julian Edelman. So on a giant couch you had Drew Bledsoe, Randy Moss, Bill Belichick, Julian Edelman, Rob Gronkowski and Tom Brady. I am agog.

-I’m really interested to see how Julian Edelman does in this role and even though he’s wearing a Puffy Shirt, he came out swinging: “There are so many great Patriots here. There won’t be this many great Patriots together again until Robert Kraft’s funeral.” (Kraft was sitting at a table in the front row.) I have a ton of respect for Edelman because he went after Gronk, Kraft, Belichick and Brady’s relationship with Alex Guerrero. Very very funny and for the former players, Edelman looks the most comfortable delivering jokes.

-Dana White got 60-seconds to roast whoever he wanted from comedian/podcaster Tony Hinchcliffe. White did about what you thought he would. Hinchcliffe who I remember from Roast Battle did very well, just a machine gun of hilarious one-liners about each of the comedians on the stage. You can tell it’s been too long since there has been a roast because the comedians on this show have just been stockpiling material and tonight they are unloading the arsenal on each other. You could see the reverence that the rest of the comedians had for Hinchcliffe’s set, Jeff Ross beamed with pride.  

-What can you say about Gronk’s set besides, that went about exactly how I thought that went. It was 10 minutes of sophomoric humor that went better when it appeared that he went off script. He didn’t seem comfortable reading off the teleprompter, but when he just started riffing it felt more honest and honestly more funny. The set was capped off when Gronk said he had never had a drink with Brady or Belichick and he wanted to. So the three of them took a shot and then Gronk seemed to stun everyone when he spiked the shot glass, sending shards everywhere. This was a wild moment that had everybody on stage shaking their head.

-Comedian Andrew Schulz looks like a 1920’s carnival wrestler, but his material was very funny.

-In a surprise, Robert Kraft took the microphone. (In hindsight, not that surprising, Robert Kraft loves giving an address.) He gave a nod to Bill Belichick with a light-hearted rib about sleeves and toasted Tom Brady. And then Kevin Hart gave us the moment of healing that I needed when he brought Robert Kraft and Bill Belichick up to the podium and had them do a shot of tequila together. I wasn’t ready to cry tonight but here we are.

-In yet another surprise, it’s Ben Affleck! This is the greatest show of all-time. I’d have paid ungodly amounts of money to watch this if it was on pay-per view. Though not for Ben Affleck, he was easily the least funny set of the night and as we approach the 3 hour mark of show, probably just star power for star power sake.

-Kevin Hart announces that it’s time for the man of the hour and audibles out of where you think it’s going and introduced Peyton Manning. I should have seen this coming. The most savage joke Manning had was “Bill Belichick is going to do some work with Eli and I on Monday Night Football and it’ll be nice for him to finally be around quarterbacks that he respects.” Mac Jones is catching strays! I wonder if he’s watching this………I hope not.  Manning closes his set by introducing “3-time Super Bowl loser Tom Brady!”

-Here it is, the moment we’ve been waiting all night for, the receipts! Brady left no stone unturned and nobody unscathed. After roasting everybody on the dais with a set based off the persona of a pompous self-important, pretty boy, Brady then lit into the Colts, Bills, Broncos, Chiefs, Taylor Swift, Eagles, Roger Goodell and capped it off by more probably than not admitting to Deflategate. (Which garnered a standing ovation from BILL BELICHICK! I ask again, WHAT WORLD ARE WE LIVING IN!) Brady finished off his set with jabs at Bill Belichick as the closer for the evening. I won’t spoil it, but Brady’s delivery overall was practiced but very good. If he puts the level of prep into calling games for Fox that he did into his set tonight, he’ll be better than Tony Romo by halftime of week 1.

                This was a tremendous night of television. The show lasted just over 3 hours or 2 VHS tapes of the Dean Martin Roasts. We need more roasts in general and hopefully this will spur more of them in the near future. But for a roast to be successful you need a guest of honor with an incredibly high profile and be willing to take the slings and arrows straight to the ego, in front of a huge audience. Not everyone can do that or is willing to do that, but from a pure entertainment stand point, this was as enjoyable night as I can remember. Nobody bombed (Ben Affleck was close) and there were a ton of surprises along the way.

As a Patriots fan, I’ll be thinking about and unpacking this night for weeks, like did Gronk really just say that about Edelman, Brady and Belichick? After Bill and the Patriots amicably split in January and The Dynasty doc was released in February it was great to see Tom, Jules, Gronk, Bill and Robert in the same place, laughing. It gives me hope that Bill will return next month to Foxborough for Tom’s Hall of Fame induction.

All in all, what a night and what a weekend!?!